My top 10 tricks for working from home

Because working from home is new to many of you but old hat to me …

1. Fuck structure. The best thing about working from home is that your life can now be totally unfuckingstructured! (Yes, that is a word.) If you have kids, living structure-free might be slightly harder, but it doesn’t have to be! Eat when you want; sleep when you want; work when you want. You’re the boss! Shake free of the shackles of time’s tyranny!

2. Clean in spontaneously sporadic spurts. Because your life is now totally unfuckingstructured, your approach to cleaning can naturally follow suit. When you encounter something so unclean that you can no longer stand it, spontaneously clean the thing right there on the spot! Then, if you’re still in cleaning mode, spread out and spree-clean adjacent areas and surfaces until you are bored and need to change activities.

3. Limit Netflix bingeing with an HDMI antenna. If you don’t have unlimited WiFi, a highly cost-effective HDMI antenna hooked up to your TV can provide a good many free channels, depending on location. I get about 6 channels where I live, totally free. You’ll have to endure asinine network programming and brain-assaulting commercials, but hey, it’ll be free!

4. Remember that boxer shorts are in fact shorts. Boxers are highly versatile garments in that they can be worn as underwear OR as perfectly acceptable shorts — and sometimes as BOTH within the same 24-hour period. Just as important, briefs are briefs and never qualify as shorts!

5. Each day, email your boss early, but not too early. Alert your boss to the fact that you are diligently on the job by sending an innocuous and non-task-generating email fairly early in the day, but not so early that it becomes too obvious of a ploy. Rest assured, your boss will still assume that the emails are ploys, but there’s nothing said boss can do about it, is there?

6. Save deodorant for special occasions. Not going out? Not trying to impress anyone? Not wearing expensive garments? No need to put that shit in your pits, kids. You’ll feel healthier, freer, more animalistic and raw!

7. Want a thorough house cleaning? Invite someone over. No, not so that the invitee can help you clean — so that the invitee’s impending arrival (and the threat of shame that comes with it) will MOTIVATE you to clean the place properly. Because absolutely nothing else will!

8. Perform work tasks immediately. You’ve got enough stuff hanging over your head, why add job duties to the list? When someone sends a message that gives you something to do, crank it out right away! The sooner you get shit done, the sooner you can get back to the much more pleasurable activity of hardcore procrastination in every other aspect of your life.

9. Talk to yourself. Out loud. A lot. Talking to oneself is not a sign that one is going crazy. It’s a vital stratagem to AVOID going crazy! So go ahead and scream profanities at stupid memes on social media. Admonish yourself verbally for literally trying to stir too many pots and burning shit. Cynically whine at co-workers by saying “You gotta be fucking kidding me” out loud, because, hey, they can’t hear you, now can they?

10. Drastically reduce online shopping expenses by reminding yourself that you are a pathetic hermit. Tempted to order that slick pair of leather boots? Craving the hit of dopamine when you click “purchase” on Amazon? Found a bulk order discount for deodorant? UM, hello? YOU WON’T BE NEEDING ANY OF THAT SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ISOLATED RECLUSE! Recalling that no other human beings will ever see you — much less smell you — can be a highly rewarding way to save money!